Why am I Angry?
Anger is a well-known emotion. We have many metaphors for anger like, a raging storm or a simmering volcano. We have pictures depicting the emotion, boiling with anger, fire, seeing red or steam coming out of our ears. Often anger can be the go-to emotion when we wish to express other emotions which may be less accessible or tolerated generally by society.
The anger iceberg is a visual tool to help us look at what might be underneath our anger or our external outburst. Just like an iceberg you can only see the tip above the surface, but the majority is hidden under the surface, often just outside of our conscious, or indeed completely submerged in the unconscious murky depths.
Sometimes when we are angry, we are actually overwhelmed. Sometimes we feel a strong sense of injustice. Sometimes we’re sad. sometimes we’re lonely. Sometimes we’re stressed or feel threatened. Sometimes we actually feel embarrassment or shame. Ever had hanger?…Yep, sometimes we are just hungry!
Perhaps it is easier to say “I’m angry” than it is to say “actually I’m embarrassed”. We can often get angry that we are angry as we don’t understand why we hold such strong emotions, but when we can take a deep breath and look what’s underneath, perhaps then we can start to understand our feelings.
Why understanding matters?
Understanding our emotions is complex. Accessing them may feel scary or at the very least, uncomfortable, and sometimes unfamiliar territory. Counselling can be useful in helping unpack some of these unexplored emotions, to aid in understanding our emotional triggers and behavioural patterns.
Bringing the unconscious into the conscious, we are better equipped to manage our emotions, constructively with empathy. Understanding ourselves better, addressing our anger and the full spectrum of our underlying emotions, we are more capable of expressing our needs. This can lead to healthier communication and stronger relationships.
Once you establish the underlying emotion you can give it a voice. Emotions need to be heard otherwise they tend to become more and more extreme. We are never aiming to get rid of our emotions, ignore or suppress them, but hear them with compassion, reassure them, helping to regulate them to work in harmony with you and your body.
Top tips for navigating anger
While counselling is a powerful tool, there are also a few steps you can take on your own to manage anger and your emotions:
1. Reflect on what seems to be triggering your anger. When is it worse? When is it manageable? Consider what might be the underlying emotions. Look at the iceberg diagram to see if any of the emotions listed resonate. Journaling sometimes helps in noticing patterns.
2. Be curious about your anger and your emotions. Is there anything behind your immediate reaction?
3. Practice mindfulness or grounding techniques to manage your immediate reactions. This could include slow breathing or focusing on your senses; what you can see, touch, hear, smell and taste to ground you in the here and now.
4. Practice self-care. Invest in good exercise, hobbies and relaxation habits. This can help regulate and maintain an emotional balance and reduce the physical tension of anger sometimes held in the body.
5. Talk to someone you trust about your feelings and experience, it might give you reassurance or an alternative perspective.
How may Counselling help?
·Counselling can offer a safe space where you can express your anger without fear of judgement. Exploration can occur to discover what other emotions may be hidden underneath the surface to gain insight and process any complex feelings.
Counselling can help you gain self-awareness to recognise and respond to triggers and patterns of behaviour. This awareness can lead to making positive changes to improve emotional regulation.
Problem solving skills can be used to address situations or issues that contribute to your anger in more effective ways.
Once underlying causes of anger have been identified, they can be addressed at a pace that is comfortable. This may include working through past traumas, fear or shame, or addressing any unmet needs.
Counselling can help you develop coping strategies, teaching practical ways for managing anger such as mindfulness, relaxation or grounding techniques as well as effective communication skills.
